Disable Optus mobile services (Also works for TPG/Virgin/Soul/etc)

Just signed up for an Optus based carrier, and god-DAMN they've made it hard to set things up.
Optus, why have you become so corporately fat and bloated? =(
Vodafone's website is much easier to navigate looks a whole lot nicer without so many links and stupid terminology with Zoos, animals, misleading service/content names, etc.

No I do NOT want to fucken sign up for your stupid SMS notifications about celebrities or daily jokes!

Why the fuck does "See my mobile bill" take me to a page full of advertising and plans that are NOT MINE!? Does the term "counter-intuitive" ring a bell?

And what the hell is this stupid "Missed Call Service" ?
Does Optus think I'm so stupid that I cannot read the "Missed Call" message on my phone when someone tries to call? Let alone thinking they have to spoonfeed me yet ANOTHER notification via SMS and charging the caller.

No, I dont want my callers to be charged if they cant get through just to leave a stupid SMS notification telling me the number of the person that called. Voicemail was created BEFORE this, and absolutely trumps it in terms of usefulness.

Ok, to start disabling all these useless services (wow, this sounds alot like configuring Windows after you first install it), follow the instructions below for the features you dont want.

Call Redirect:
To disable everything at once, type in ##21# and press the "call" button.
To only disable "no reply" messages, use ##67#, and so on with the pattern ##code#.
To re-enable the options, use **code*.

The codes are defined below.
CodeRedirect typeDescription
21UnconditionalAll calls are diverted
67BusyPhone is in use
61No ReplyPhone 'rings out' not answered
62Not ReachableOut of Coverage area or switched off

Adjust Ringing Time:
To configure the ringing time (in seconds) for "no reply" diversions, call **61*321**XX#.
Values of XX can be any whole number between 5 to 30 which is a multiple of 5.
ie. 5, 10, 15, etc.

Missed Call Services:
Firstly, register your mobile on this ridiculously named website "Optus Zoo" found at mobile.optuszoo.com.au/mobile

The setup pages are embedded deeply in a number of highly confusing links on the Optus Zoo website, so be careful not to register for shit unknowingly like I did =\

Then go to "My Mobile", then "Set up my mobile" in the left menu.

Click on "Set up missed call service".
The direct links to these configuration sites are

Voicemail Services:
While you're at it, you can disable voicemail services too!
Under the "Set up my mobile" menu, click on "Set up voicemail"

Within the voicemail service setup page, there is also "VoiceMail Call Recall Setup".
Call-Recall is the SMS notification when you get a missed call, something your mobile is already quite capable of doing notifying you of.

Well, 2 days later and I keep getting calls from the Voicemail service telling me to set it up. I just hung up, but for every hour later, it keeps calling me!
The lady at the customer centre gave me some handy advice and told me to call ##002#. Hope that works.

You can also configure your mobile internet here, but the site below does the job much better.

Internet for mobile phones:
These fall under the categories of
  • GPRS
  • WAP
  • email
  • and MMS
Fortunately, there is a nice clean wizard-style site to set this all up, which can be found at http://optusau.wdsglobal.com/mainPage.html
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